Posts Tagged With: Silly

Where They Lead, I Will Follow…Grumbling and Cussing the Whole Way

Would you jump off a cliff if your friends told you to? Growing up, my mom pulled this goodie out of her wise parent arsenal more often than not. I’m sure yours did, too. After all, it’s a common mom-ism. Like Do as I say, not as I do, Because I said so, and Do you want a spanking?  Yep, as a red-blooded adult woman with kinky tendencies, that last one made me laugh, too.  Heaven knows I love a good spanking from the hubby.

But, as always, I’m digressing…

So before I fall into the gutter and play with my naughty mind, we should get back to jumping off cliffs and friends. Wow, that sounded seriously wrong. Ah crap, y’all know what I mean. I’m talking about following others obediently like a bunch of brainless minions trailing behind His Royal Evilness The King of Villain-ville.

Now, I’m not a fan of following people. Why? Because I like to be different. I like being the weirdo, the perv, and the freak. It makes life fun. At the very least, it makes life interesting. Or so that’s what my husband tells me—a lot. But as a writer, following the characters is necessary. And while it is a necessity, I hate it.

Yep, I admit it. I do not like being out of control. My inner control freak gets all pissy and starts pulling her frizzy hair out, which leaves me outwardly grumbling and cussing at anyone who comes within hearing distance. On a bad day, I’ll start growling and snarling like a deranged beast. Let me tell you, it’s not a pretty sight to see. However, the books I write are not about me. They are not my story. They belong to the characters they’re centered around. Ergo, I have to suck it up and be their puppet. Right?

Right.

Only I don’t work well that way. I swear I spend as much time fussing and fighting with my characters as I do writing their story. Why? Because I’m a glutton for punishment, of course. See, the characters always win. Always. I know that. And they know that. Still, I refuse to cave. But hey, no one can deny that I’m a stubborn and persistent and slightly off-kilter woman. I mean, seriously, I hear voices in my head, and I argue with them—even though I know it is a losing battle. I figure that puts me in the slightly off-kilter category. Well, that’s nicer than what a psychiatrist might tell me.

Geez. I’m getting off topic again

So what does my rambling have to do with the price of tea in China? Well, I’m getting to that. Patience, my friends. Patience.

Recently, I started working on a new story. No, I won’t tell you who. You’ll have to wait and see. But as I dug in to the meat of the book, I realized that she wasn’t ready yet. It wasn’t her time for a book. What do you think I did? I’ll give you three guesses:

1. I immediately stopped her story and started a different, more pressing one. After all, I’m a smart writer. Oh yeah baby, that’s me.

Or

2. I chewed my nails and prayed that she’d change her mind. That seemed like the best course of action. Who needs pretty nails? Certainly not moi.

Or

3. I said, “Aw, come on. You know you wanna find your HEA,” and dangled porn in front of the character. Then proceeded to write stuff that would eventually find a new home…in the garbage can. Makes sense to me.

If you took door number three, you would be correct. I continued to write. Of course, the harder I tried, the quieter she became. By the time I chucked her story, she was completely, totally, and utterly silent. Now, no one panic. This heroine and her heroes will be getting their story. Definitely. Without a doubt. One of these days. Just not yet. There are a few things that must happen first.

Yes, I’m planning ahead. And no, the world is not coming to an end. (sniffs) Can you believe it? (sniffs) I’m rather proud of myself, too.

So…are you getting curious yet? Have I intrigued you? (wiggles eyebrows) You know you want to find out who has become the center of my writing universe. You’re just dying to hear which characters are talking so loudly that I’d need ear plugs to muffle them. Aren’t you? Well, I guess I could tell you. But, you know what? I don’t think I will. I think it would be more fun to see if you can figure out who the characters are on your own.

Since I’m such a nice, sweet woman, I shall even share a hint or two or, maybe even, three with you.

  1. The heroine is a mystery.
  2.  One hero is a reader favorite.
  3. And there are not one, but two, other heroes. Mmhhmm…Talk about ‘the more, the merrier.’

Any ideas, anyone? Feel free to leave your guesses in a comment below.

And until next time, don’t do anything I wouldn’t. XOXOXO!

Love and cherries,

-Mia

Categories: 69 Shade Of Smut, Books, Characters, Life | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Porn Cooties

Did you know you can get cooties from porn? Yep, you can. Now before you go skinny dipping in the gutter, I am not referring to Herpes, Gonorrhea, or Syphilis. And not Chlamydia or Crabs, either. I’m talking about the moment you say the word porn and every vanilla person within earshot runs for cover. Sheesh, it’s like when David Jones kissed Denise Smith on the playground. The poor girl was blacklisted for weeks. After all, no one wanted to catch cooties!

But alas, we are not children. We are adults. And yet, we still have the cooties mindset. We still have to deal with people who believe porn is disgusting and vile, people who hold the asinine belief that porn-lovers are every bit as disgusting and vile as the videos they watch. Really, though, we’re not. We watch porn because we want to. We watch it because we enjoy it. That doesn’t make us right or wrong. And it doesn’t mean we have some plague-like disease we’ll pass on to the first prudish person we see. It means we’re humans with hormones and a lusty libido.

Recently, this strange cootie phenomenon put me smack in an awkward situation. Picture it…I was sitting in a swanky hotel with my three girlfriends. We were chatting about who-knows-what, probably something dirty, when a strange woman approached us. She seemed nice enough so we asked her to sit down and join in the festivities. Not surprisingly, she did. The first few minutes of our exchange appeared to go smoothly. Then the worst thing happened. My PA mentioned porn. (gasps) Talk about a a disaster. The poor new girl paled. She started darting her eyes around as she clearly searched for an exit. Though, she didn’t get up. She continued to sit with us, talking in a stilted, squeaky voice. But she wasn’t really there. She was just trying to be polite long enough to make her escape. I knew it. And so did my friends. Of course, she eventually made some pithy excuse and fled us like a victim running from the axe murdering lunatic in a B-string slasher film.

Once she was gone, the four of us laughed about the prim and proper chick we’d scared the daylights out of. At that point, her revulsion and rejection was rather funny. But in retrospect, her horror wasn’t amusing, not in the least. The horrified look she gave us, the way she shied away, was a little offensive. It wasn’t like we’d done anything wrong. We’d done nothing out of line. No curses or insults had slipped from our lips. In my opinion, we’d been on our very best behavior, not that that is necessarily saying a whole lot. However, she’d treated us as if we were perverts playing a part in a freak show.

Granted, I’m a pervert. And true, I’m a one-woman freak show half the time. But those pervalicious personality traits have nothing to do with my love for porn or my being infested with cooties. They’re just icing on the cake.

So, what about you? Do you have porn cooties? Don’t tell anyone, but I kind of hope you do. XOXOXO!

Love and cherries,

-Mia

Categories: 69 Shade Of Smut, Life, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 14 Comments

“You Might Be A Pervert If…” Grumpy Edition

Hi 69ers! I woke up grumpy today. Since I had no good reason for acting like one of the Seven Dwarfs, I decided that a little pick me up was in order. What do I do, you ask? I do what I always do when I’m in a foul mood. I play You Might Be a Pervert If…

Now as some of you may know—I like to share. After all, I do write ménages. So I figured you might want to play too!

Get Ready…

Get Set…

And Let The Game Begin!

You might be a pervert if…your favorite drink is Kinky vodka, even though you’ve never tasted it because you hate mango, blood orange, passion fruit, and vodka.

You might be a pervert if…you love to play naughty Mad Libs like these:

“A Rough Day”

It all started when I awoke with a horny pain in my cock. Then, my call girl was late. We got fucked in traffic for 69 minutes, which made me naughty for my meeting with Ryan Gosling. I apologized roughly to him, which seemed to make things wicked again. But then the meeting turned into vibrators, with him blowing and biting. I sucked when he licked off. On the way home, we passed a dildo on a butt plug. Suddenly the dildo nibbled in the road and my call girl had to boink to avoid it. In the process, I was kissed from the sex shop, landing on my pussy. I was covered in lube from ass to balls. Could this day get any more luscious? My call girl screwed me back into the sex shop, and we made our way back to the nipple clamps. I went straight to Kinky, Kansas. I was lusty!

OR

“Betcha Can’t Taste the Difference”

Compare our Honey Erotic Romance Novel Toasty O’s to Honey Erotic Romance Novel Lucky Charms Cereal. You’ll moan the taste, and you’ll moan the price.

Porn-O-Meal Bowl cereals are not only salacious, they’re the best story in the cereal aisle. Compare Porn-O-Meal cereals with the groaning box brands, and you’ll see they contain all of the same whips and chains. We use only high quality handcuffs, too, so you can fuck on the sexy cock ring and scorching crop in every bowl.

Make the delicious choice with Porn-O-Meal cereals. For sexy cock ring, scorching crop, and a decadent price, it’s in the bowl!

 

You might be a pervert if…this sex toy has a special meaning to you. (Louisville Slugger, that’s all I’m saying.)

 photo GirlversionofLouisvilleSlugger_zps350670bb.jpg

You might be a pervert if…you see this in a local liquor store and laugh so hard you snort. (In the voice of Dory from Finding Nemo: “Just Keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…”)

 photo SpermLiquorBottle_zpsdf0b0b1a.jpg

You might be a pervert if…your favorite Bond movie is Octopussy. (Did I mention that you haven’t seen it—or any other James Bond movie—like ever?)

You might be a pervert if…if you watch porn on your smartphone because you have no Internet connection. (Hehehe. A girl has to do what a girl has to do)

You might be a pervert if…you were the only person laughing out loud in the theater while watching Wreck It Ralph.

  • Seriously? A fundgeon? Boy, I want to see the adult version of the ‘fun dungeon.’ (Whips, chains, and handcuffs, oh my!)
  • Holy guacamole! King Candy wants someone to milk his duds. (Not even for money, big boy.)
  • And Sheesh, there’s a character based around a Maraschino Cherry who’s named Jubileena Bang-Bang. Oh, scratch that. It sounded like Bang-Bang. But it is technically Bing-Bing. (My bad.)

You might be a pervert if…”Consider it hammered” doesn’t have the same meaning to you as it does to Pat from Handy Manny.

You might be a pervert if…you hear about the Bunny Bot 3000. But naturally, you assume it’s the vibe to end all vibes. Only it isn’t. The Bunny Bot 3000 is a toy on the Disney show, Jesse. (Oopsie. Glad I didn’t buy that one. Talk about a surprise.)

You might be a pervert if…you can’t drive by the Quaker, Steak, and Lube without a lewd remark. (Come on, Quaker, Steak, and Lube is just too good to pass up.)

You might be a pervert if…the Easy button makes you wistful for high school. (No, I don’t meet this one. I was a good girl back then. Now stop laughing! I’m serious. I was sweet and innocent…for a while. But that hubby of mine had to go and pervert me. Damn, I knew I loved him.)

 photo TheEasyButton_zps370f513e.jpg

Love and cherries,

-Mia

Categories: 69 Shade Of Smut, Life, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

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