Posts Tagged With: real life

“You Might Be A Pervert If…” Grumpy Edition

Hi 69ers! I woke up grumpy today. Since I had no good reason for acting like one of the Seven Dwarfs, I decided that a little pick me up was in order. What do I do, you ask? I do what I always do when I’m in a foul mood. I play You Might Be a Pervert If…

Now as some of you may know—I like to share. After all, I do write ménages. So I figured you might want to play too!

Get Ready…

Get Set…

And Let The Game Begin!

You might be a pervert if…your favorite drink is Kinky vodka, even though you’ve never tasted it because you hate mango, blood orange, passion fruit, and vodka.

You might be a pervert if…you love to play naughty Mad Libs like these:

“A Rough Day”

It all started when I awoke with a horny pain in my cock. Then, my call girl was late. We got fucked in traffic for 69 minutes, which made me naughty for my meeting with Ryan Gosling. I apologized roughly to him, which seemed to make things wicked again. But then the meeting turned into vibrators, with him blowing and biting. I sucked when he licked off. On the way home, we passed a dildo on a butt plug. Suddenly the dildo nibbled in the road and my call girl had to boink to avoid it. In the process, I was kissed from the sex shop, landing on my pussy. I was covered in lube from ass to balls. Could this day get any more luscious? My call girl screwed me back into the sex shop, and we made our way back to the nipple clamps. I went straight to Kinky, Kansas. I was lusty!

OR

“Betcha Can’t Taste the Difference”

Compare our Honey Erotic Romance Novel Toasty O’s to Honey Erotic Romance Novel Lucky Charms Cereal. You’ll moan the taste, and you’ll moan the price.

Porn-O-Meal Bowl cereals are not only salacious, they’re the best story in the cereal aisle. Compare Porn-O-Meal cereals with the groaning box brands, and you’ll see they contain all of the same whips and chains. We use only high quality handcuffs, too, so you can fuck on the sexy cock ring and scorching crop in every bowl.

Make the delicious choice with Porn-O-Meal cereals. For sexy cock ring, scorching crop, and a decadent price, it’s in the bowl!

 

You might be a pervert if…this sex toy has a special meaning to you. (Louisville Slugger, that’s all I’m saying.)

 photo GirlversionofLouisvilleSlugger_zps350670bb.jpg

You might be a pervert if…you see this in a local liquor store and laugh so hard you snort. (In the voice of Dory from Finding Nemo: “Just Keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…”)

 photo SpermLiquorBottle_zpsdf0b0b1a.jpg

You might be a pervert if…your favorite Bond movie is Octopussy. (Did I mention that you haven’t seen it—or any other James Bond movie—like ever?)

You might be a pervert if…if you watch porn on your smartphone because you have no Internet connection. (Hehehe. A girl has to do what a girl has to do)

You might be a pervert if…you were the only person laughing out loud in the theater while watching Wreck It Ralph.

  • Seriously? A fundgeon? Boy, I want to see the adult version of the ‘fun dungeon.’ (Whips, chains, and handcuffs, oh my!)
  • Holy guacamole! King Candy wants someone to milk his duds. (Not even for money, big boy.)
  • And Sheesh, there’s a character based around a Maraschino Cherry who’s named Jubileena Bang-Bang. Oh, scratch that. It sounded like Bang-Bang. But it is technically Bing-Bing. (My bad.)

You might be a pervert if…”Consider it hammered” doesn’t have the same meaning to you as it does to Pat from Handy Manny.

You might be a pervert if…you hear about the Bunny Bot 3000. But naturally, you assume it’s the vibe to end all vibes. Only it isn’t. The Bunny Bot 3000 is a toy on the Disney show, Jesse. (Oopsie. Glad I didn’t buy that one. Talk about a surprise.)

You might be a pervert if…you can’t drive by the Quaker, Steak, and Lube without a lewd remark. (Come on, Quaker, Steak, and Lube is just too good to pass up.)

You might be a pervert if…the Easy button makes you wistful for high school. (No, I don’t meet this one. I was a good girl back then. Now stop laughing! I’m serious. I was sweet and innocent…for a while. But that hubby of mine had to go and pervert me. Damn, I knew I loved him.)

 photo TheEasyButton_zps370f513e.jpg

Love and cherries,

-Mia

Categories: 69 Shade Of Smut, Life, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Don’t Be Mean…It’s Not Nice

You know, it’s funny to me how one nice person can make a bad day better and one mean person can make a good day into a crappy one. Random, huh? Well, there’s a method to madness—as always. I do have a point. It’ll just take a little time to get there. Patience, my dear 69ers. Please. After all, that is the nice thing to do. Right?

Well, it all started this morning…about an hour after I woke up. Like every day, I spent the first sixty minutes of my day running around chasing a seven year-old, feeding her breakfast, and helping her get off to school. Surprisingly, it wasn’t as difficult as some days. So I thought to myself, “Ah, what a great start. It looks like today will be a fantastic day!”

Yep, I spoke to soon.

At exactly seven-thirty am, I sat down and opened my laptop. I turned it on then pulled up the document for Luscious Beginnings (my WIP). And guess what, it’s gone. Okay, that might be over-stating it. But I am a drama queen. In reality, the last day of work, which was a very productive section, was gone. Vamoose. Vanished. Missing in action.

I bet you can guess what happened next…I flipped out and called my husband with an SOS! Help me. Help me before I have a complete and utter meltdown.

Of course, my husband does the Calm down, honey. Is it in your Dropbox? Duh. Of course, it is. I wouldn’t be silly enough to not backup my precious manuscript. That’s when it hit me like a ton of bricks: Dropbox is connected to a server…an online server. Double duh. Then something else hit me…I am in a place where there is no Internet connection. None. And the closest “hot spot” is about fifteen minutes away.

So here I went traipsing out of the cabin in the snow, looking like a disheveled mess. We’re talking yoga pants, a t-shirt, and no make-up. Scary, indeed. But I didn’t have time to mess with that trivial stuff. I was lucky to secure my hair in a ponytail.

See, here’s the thing I rented a cabin in the mountains to get away from the world. I thought having some time in my “special” place—without reality seeping in—would help my creative juices flow. And it would give me a way to write until my fingers cramped and my head hurt…or until I finished the story—whichever came first.

But I apparently didn’t think it through. No Internet is a bad, bad thing for writers. Or at least, it’s a bad, bad thing for me.

After leaving the cabin in the middle of no-freaking-where, I drove to the nearest “hot spot.” Wait, that’s not right. First, I took the wrong turn and drove several miles before I realized that I was heading in the opposite direction of where I’d intended. Keep in mind, I was on a narrow, two-lane, country road with big, sweeping, winding curves. So there aren’t a whole lot of places to just whip my car in and turn around. And U-ies are hazardous around here. Although, I have to admit that I considered it. But I was a good girl and stuck to the Safety First motto.

Now finally, I managed to get my car going in the right direction. Several minutes passed before I arrived at my destination. Once I got out, I ambled inside with my hands full and greeted the nice ladies at the front desk. Then I sat down and turned on my laptop. And nothing. The connection was down. Me being me, I was going to “fix” the problem so I didn’t have to drive another fifteen minutes to Starbucks. Seeing that I’m technologically challenged, this was a disaster waiting to happen. And predictably, it was. Ergo, I wasted half an hour for absolutely nothing.

So here I went again…

Fifteen minutes later, I pulled into the Starbuck parking lot and tried to connect to the Wi-Fi. Again, nothing. At this point, I was really starting to panic. And my head was spinning from all the hyperventilation I was doing. I kept thinking, What if it’s me? What if I’m doing something wrong? What if my laptop’s broken? What if…what if…what if?

Well, I hopped out of my car, praying I’m just too far away for my computer to connect, and trudged into the Starbucks. I hurried over to a table and attempted to access the Wi-Fi. For the third time today, I couldn’t connect to the Internet. Now this is where my panic mutated into a downright freak-out.

When I get like this, I call my husband (the poor man is a saint.) So I dialed his number and explained to him what’s going on. As luck would have it, he helped me get connected to the Internet over the phone. Shew. Disaster averted.

This is where the nice lady comes into play…

Since I was at Starbucks, I figured that a drink would cheer me up. So I went up to the counter and not surprisingly, I had no clue what to order. Like I always do, I asked the barista lady what she would recommend. And she says, “Well, just pick something out. If you don’t like it, we’ll make you something else until you find what you like best.”

Needless to say, I was stunned. Why? Because she was friendly and nice and helpful. And best of all, she reminded me that some days suck. But that doesn’t mean getting grouchy and growling at everyone in sight is a good idea. In fact, it’s not a good idea. It’s a horrid one—because being mean is not nice.

When I left the Starbucks a few minutes later, I was smiling. The barista had made my day a little brighter, and she probably didn’t even realize it. But hey, that’s not necessarily important. Being nice should be done selflessly. It should be something we, as people, just do—for the hell of it.

Now, I must put a question to you. When was the last time you made someone’s day a little bit brighter for no reason at all? I know I’ll be doing it today…and hopefully, every day for a long time to come. XOXOXO!

Love and cherries,

-Mia

Categories: 69 Shade Of Smut, Life, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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