Posts Tagged With: Movies

“You Might Be A Pervert If…” Grumpy Edition

Hi 69ers! I woke up grumpy today. Since I had no good reason for acting like one of the Seven Dwarfs, I decided that a little pick me up was in order. What do I do, you ask? I do what I always do when I’m in a foul mood. I play You Might Be a Pervert If…

Now as some of you may know—I like to share. After all, I do write ménages. So I figured you might want to play too!

Get Ready…

Get Set…

And Let The Game Begin!

You might be a pervert if…your favorite drink is Kinky vodka, even though you’ve never tasted it because you hate mango, blood orange, passion fruit, and vodka.

You might be a pervert if…you love to play naughty Mad Libs like these:

“A Rough Day”

It all started when I awoke with a horny pain in my cock. Then, my call girl was late. We got fucked in traffic for 69 minutes, which made me naughty for my meeting with Ryan Gosling. I apologized roughly to him, which seemed to make things wicked again. But then the meeting turned into vibrators, with him blowing and biting. I sucked when he licked off. On the way home, we passed a dildo on a butt plug. Suddenly the dildo nibbled in the road and my call girl had to boink to avoid it. In the process, I was kissed from the sex shop, landing on my pussy. I was covered in lube from ass to balls. Could this day get any more luscious? My call girl screwed me back into the sex shop, and we made our way back to the nipple clamps. I went straight to Kinky, Kansas. I was lusty!

OR

“Betcha Can’t Taste the Difference”

Compare our Honey Erotic Romance Novel Toasty O’s to Honey Erotic Romance Novel Lucky Charms Cereal. You’ll moan the taste, and you’ll moan the price.

Porn-O-Meal Bowl cereals are not only salacious, they’re the best story in the cereal aisle. Compare Porn-O-Meal cereals with the groaning box brands, and you’ll see they contain all of the same whips and chains. We use only high quality handcuffs, too, so you can fuck on the sexy cock ring and scorching crop in every bowl.

Make the delicious choice with Porn-O-Meal cereals. For sexy cock ring, scorching crop, and a decadent price, it’s in the bowl!

 

You might be a pervert if…this sex toy has a special meaning to you. (Louisville Slugger, that’s all I’m saying.)

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You might be a pervert if…you see this in a local liquor store and laugh so hard you snort. (In the voice of Dory from Finding Nemo: “Just Keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…”)

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You might be a pervert if…your favorite Bond movie is Octopussy. (Did I mention that you haven’t seen it—or any other James Bond movie—like ever?)

You might be a pervert if…if you watch porn on your smartphone because you have no Internet connection. (Hehehe. A girl has to do what a girl has to do)

You might be a pervert if…you were the only person laughing out loud in the theater while watching Wreck It Ralph.

  • Seriously? A fundgeon? Boy, I want to see the adult version of the ‘fun dungeon.’ (Whips, chains, and handcuffs, oh my!)
  • Holy guacamole! King Candy wants someone to milk his duds. (Not even for money, big boy.)
  • And Sheesh, there’s a character based around a Maraschino Cherry who’s named Jubileena Bang-Bang. Oh, scratch that. It sounded like Bang-Bang. But it is technically Bing-Bing. (My bad.)

You might be a pervert if…”Consider it hammered” doesn’t have the same meaning to you as it does to Pat from Handy Manny.

You might be a pervert if…you hear about the Bunny Bot 3000. But naturally, you assume it’s the vibe to end all vibes. Only it isn’t. The Bunny Bot 3000 is a toy on the Disney show, Jesse. (Oopsie. Glad I didn’t buy that one. Talk about a surprise.)

You might be a pervert if…you can’t drive by the Quaker, Steak, and Lube without a lewd remark. (Come on, Quaker, Steak, and Lube is just too good to pass up.)

You might be a pervert if…the Easy button makes you wistful for high school. (No, I don’t meet this one. I was a good girl back then. Now stop laughing! I’m serious. I was sweet and innocent…for a while. But that hubby of mine had to go and pervert me. Damn, I knew I loved him.)

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Love and cherries,

-Mia

Categories: 69 Shade Of Smut, Life, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

And the nominees for hottest movie scene are

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It’s that time of the year again, Oscars time. How about some sweet lovin’ scenes to heat up the screen? Those are notoriously hard to get right. You want the audience burning up with the characters, not glancing at their watches/phones/toes. You want the audience squirming in their seats, and not because they’re going, “Awk-ward!” My nominees for scenes/movies that made me go ooh not boo are (in no particular order)

The introductory “It’s Raining Men” number from Magic Mike (2012). Let’s get this out of the way. But just because any man who can bust a move has my undivided attention. And because dancing makes every scene a sensual one.

Case in point: Dirty Dancing (1987). Special Mention: the scene where Baby goes up to Johnny’s cabin. That dance of theirs…that’s foreplay after my own heart. What follows is just as sweet.

Many of you 69ers love cowboys. And some good M/M. You’ve allll seen Brokeback Mountain (2005), right? Plenty of heated moments in that movie, but what lit me up and broke my heart at the same time was the bittersweet scene where Ennis and Jack are reunited, where Ennis throws Jack against a wall and kisses him senseless. What they feel, what they want, what they know they’ll never have, it’s all there in that scene and that kiss.

Another amazingly expressive face: Diane Lane’s Connie in Unfaithful (2002) after Paul grabs her, takes her to bed and then just takes her. It’s written all over her face. How she wants it, how she knows she shouldn’t, how much she’s loving it, how she knows she really really shouldn’t, but ooh…

Eyes blaze, chests heave, words come out in a rush, they’re drenched…and fully clothed, having a heated discussion in a gazebo in the rain. Miss Eliza Bennet and Mr. Darcy in the 2005 rendition of Pride and Prejudice. Not a faithful adaptation but as sexy as Austen gets.

The passion between Carré Otis and Mickey Rourke in Wild Orchid (1989). They were a couple at the time of filming and rumor has it they weren’t acting. I doubt it, but it’s just…that scene in the skeleton hotel in particular…I know it’s called acting but…some acting.

Eros meets Thanatos in Meet Joe Black (1998). Say what you want about this movie (like: editors are not only authors’ but movie makers’ best friends as well) but I will say this: Who knew Death could be so sweet and sensuous? *Sigh*

No fan of Pitt, though. Brangelina who? I mean, how gorgeous were Salma Hayek and Antonio Banderas in Desperado (1995)?! Those love by candlelight moments, oh my my…

Speaking of which… There ain’t a man in this world who could tempt me to cheat on my husband. No, not even awe-inspiring Antonio. It would probably take a woman. Sweetest, sexiest Salma. The woman most likely to make me go bi. When she walked on camera in From Dusk Till Dawn (1996), my jaw hit the floor, 69ers. All I could do was join the mostly male audience in an utterly vulgar yet totally honest stare of admiration. Up until…OK, no spoilers.

Talking of girl crushes, quite a long while since I last saw Bound (1996) but there’s no forgetting this one. Oh no. Jennifer Tilly and Gina Gershon were something fierce together: intensely hot, oddly tender, and totally believable.

And now for something completely different…

Secretary (2002). I have mixed feelings about this movie. Like: Why James Spader? Damn that post-bath-splendor-in-the-grass-love-making scene is lovely. Has E.L. James watched this movie?

As for threesomes…you’re thinking Matt Dillon getting lucky twice over in Wild Things (1998), aren’t you? Well, I’m thinking the climactic scene of Y tu mamá también (2001). That is one raunchy road movie.

Dean going down on Cindy in Blue Valentine. I think Ryan Gosling is a good actor but, and please don’t hurt me, I don’t get the sex symbol status. Is it a boyish charm thing? I know, a matter of taste, right? This scene works for me, though.

And that, as they say, is a wrap.

Did I leave out your all-time favorite? Let us know in comments! Oh, you thought I meant something else besides mainstream movies? You’ll find a whole post on those at Dita’s Den. And some fringe favorites of mine in comments.

To all previous Oscar nominees: Thanks for the memories! To this year’s: Good luck!!

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , | 8 Comments

Mmmmm…Warm Apple Pie

Happy Monday 69ers! It’s that time again…Mia time. Now before you get the wrong impression, I’m not going to take a page out of MC Hammer’s book. Funny as it may seem, I won’t be doing the Running Man, and I certainly won’t be wearing Hammer Pants. Actually, Mia time involves warm apple pie. Yum. But it’s not just any apple pie. It’s American Pie.

 

(Yep, it’s a shameless ploy to get a good laugh.)

This month’s theme here at 69 Shades is ‘going back to school.’ Well, as a teen during the late ’90s, nothing shouts school to me more than American Pie. Why is that? Well, it could be that this particular movie was infamous while I was in my junior year. Or it could be the fact that this movie was funny, naughty, and totally relate-able.  But nope, those aren’t the reason why.

My reason comes in the form of my favorite movie line of all time. So you might be asking what line it is? Well, I’m sure you can imagine. But if not, check out the clip below.

(I might have chosen to use this clip for nefarious purpose. It was a fabulous excuse to giggle like a loon.)

Why in the world would I find, “And this one time at band camp, I stuck a flute up my pussy,” funny? Well, first of all, that line is just flipping hilarious. But more than that, I have a confession to make, a confession I’m quite proud of. So, I’m just going to get on with it. No beating around the bushes, no foreplay. Just the cold, hard facts. I, Mia Ashlinn, was a complete and total band geek in high school!

Now be nice. I can hear you guys whispering already.

“Whoa.”

“Wow.”

“Holy smokes!”

“I cannot believe it.”

“That Mia chick was a what?!?

Okay, okay. I might be getting a bit dramatic. Shoot, there’s no okay to it. I’m totally being dramatic. But hey, it’s me. If I’m not being dramatic, something or someone has invaded my body, and you should call for back up. Hmmm…I’m thinking firefighters. No, police men. No, doctors. Ah, who cares? Just get hot help. I mean good help. (wink, wink)

Oopsie, I’m getting side tracked. American Pie to Band Camp to Pussies to Men in Uniform? Well, I’m not quite as blog ADD as I usually am. Go me!

But anyway, I was a band geek in high school. I spent all my time with the other band geeks. We worked together. By work, I mean practiced. We played together. By play, I mean instruments…and other things. (snickers) That is my story, and I’m sticking to it. I was the good girl, but I know plenty of people who were naughty enough for me!

During those beautiful band days, I was at the happiest point of my school years. So whenever August rolls around, I think of band camp which leads me to this movie…and warm apple pie.

So now’s your turn, what is the happiest point of your school years?

Categories: 69 Shade Of Smut, Life, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , | 2 Comments

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