Learning to Love Football Season by Alice Gaines

NFL football season is back.  This year, there are games on Thursday nights as well as all day Sunday and Monday night.  And this is going to go on into February.  Lots of women, including me, enjoy the game, which has correctly been described as outdoor chess disguised as warfare.  But that’s not true for many of us.

If you’re like millions of women who dread this time of year, I have words of hope—for those of us who look at a male body and see a potential playground, the picture is quite rosy if you look at it with the right perspective.  Let me put it this way:  Tight Pants.

Football players wear really, really tight pants.  Pants so tight you can see every sweet curve of their derrieres.  Pants so tight you can watch every muscle in their thighs twitch as they pound on down the field.  Lordy, nothing will put a sparkle in your eye or a spring in your step like the sight of a twenty-four year old athlete in peak condition wearing those tight, tight pants.

Don’t even tell me about other athletes.  Baseball players wear tight pants, too, but many of them are about as bright as dirt.  Besides, lots of them chew tobacco.  No, I don’t fantasize about kissing baseball players.  Basketball players used to wear snug short-shorts, but their uniform bottoms have gotten longer and longer over the years.  What’s up with that?

I’m going to give you some tips on watching American football with your significant other so you can derive the greatest enjoyment from those tight pants.  First, don’t gloat.  To try to even things out for your guy, colleges and the NFL have put female cheerleaders on the sidelines.  But the happy fact is that these females are so completely unimportant they only appear briefly and at unpredictable intervals, while you can watch #34’s rump on almost every down.  Don’t point this out to your SO.  No one likes a sore winner.

Second, although all the players’ pants are tight, all their butts are not created equal.  For some reason, probably related to the physiology of musculature, the fastest players have the nicest rumps.  These are the wide receivers and defensive backs.  Luckily, each passing play will involve at least one of each, giving you a glorious view in stereo.  For some reason, quarterbacks tend to have very beautiful faces but unimpressive, flat rear cheeks.  The beefy linemen have butts in the beefy range.  If that floats your boat, go for it.  Once you’ve figured out who to look for, you’ll find it has an unexpected benefit:  namely that learning who’s who on your team will also convince your guy that you know something about the game, when in fact, you don’t give a fig.

Third, although the traditional beverage consumed while watching football is beer, there’s no law against drinking a fine, red wine.  Just don’t fall prey to the female tendency to want to feed your man.  If you find yourself thinking, “It wouldn’t take much to roast a ham and make him some of those nice candied yams he likes with the tiny marshmallows, oh, and how about a seven layer bean dip to start,” stop immediately.  Delis sell hams, and your guy can get the bean dip at the supermarket before the game.  Football is your time for ogling, not for “Dinner with America’s Test Kitchen.”  Unless the tall guy in the apron is bringing the food.

So, take heart as the pre-pre-preseason approaches.  Somewhere out there in America’s heartland there are hundreds of healthy, young men preparing to do battle for the opportunity to showcase all their masculine charms for your personal enjoyment.  And when your SO starts talking playoffs, just repeat the magic words to yourself:  “Tight pants.”


A somewhat different version of the above was originally published in the on-line e-zine SnarkBite.  But that was back in the 90’s, and no one remembers anything that old.

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By the way, my ultrasensual contemporary romance, Kiss the Frog is still free.

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Categories: Alice Gaines, humor, sports | Leave a comment

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