erotic humor

Keeping Busy and a Hot Excerpt by Dalton Diaz

Once again, I couldn’t make it to RT, and as the pics start to flow, I’m feeling a bit bummed. I had high hopes for going this year because I love Vegas, and because I know that attending next year is unlikely with two kids graduating college and a big anniversary happening at the same time.

Thankfully, I have a few exciting things to keep me busy for the next week. The premier of season 2 of Outlander, the arrival of The Beast by Jr Ward, binge-watching the final season of True Blood (I was late to that party!), the construction that has finally begun on my house from last year’s storm damage, and hey…WRITING!

I’m going to leave you with a hot excerpt from Great Zeus, my story in the Gods Gone Wild anthology with Ashlyn Chase. Enjoy!

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Two Gods are in big trouble with Zeus. Gods will be gods and when these two taunt Pele for their own entertainment, she erupts, literally, creating a whole new Hawaiian island. But Zeus is not amused and must teach them a lesson they won’t forget.

Epimetheus knows he screwed up. Well, he knows it since Zeus pointed it out with a lightning bolt or two. He’s willing to take his punishment like a Titan, but all bets are off when his beloved dead wife Pandora shows up.

Pandy has no memory of him. Epimetheus has no powers, and no forethought. What could possibly go wrong?

Excerpt
“Who do you see when you look at me like that?”

What? The question brought me back to the present, where Hope was still dressed and standing in front of the bed instead of on it. She was also frowning.

I closed the distance between us and caressed her soft cheek. “You.”

“You called for Pandora when you ran toward the limo earlier. I’m not mad,” she clarified before kissing my palm. “I know you’re kind of obsessed with ancient Greek mythology. I just want to make sure you’re here with me.

That you know I’m flesh and blood Hope, a human who makes mistakes.”

“Don’t you get it? Pandora was a human gift from the gods.” I closed my eyes against a wave of emotion before being able to look at her to say the words. “I’m not mixing you up with some idea of perfection. I’m calling you, Hope, a gift beyond value. Faults and all.”

She was quiet for a moment before she nodded. “From anyone else, that would border on stalker scary. From you, it makes sense.”

I laughed. “Thanks. I think.”

“Will you do something for me now, though?” She licked her lips in a nervous gesture that made me want to beg for mercy.

“Yes.” It didn’t matter what she asked for, it was hers.

“Will you take your clothes off first this time?”

I stepped back and stripped without another word, or even a wince at leaving my pain-free zone. When I was done, I laid her hands on my bare chest.

“Please,” I took a deep breath. “Touch me.”

“Jack.” It was a whisper of desire. It was also the wrong fucking name.

“Please don’t get mad.” I put my hands over hers, afraid she’d pull away. “But that’s not my name. The Powers That Be thought I should go in under a fake name, and I’ll bet I can thank Tony for coming up with that one.”

“Thank god!” Her topaz eyes danced with humor. “So what is your real name?”

I couldn’t give her that, but it didn’t really matter beyond not calling me

Jack. “Theus.” I settled on getting as close to my real name as I dared.

“Yeah, I really am Greek.”

I kissed her, both to stop any more questions and because I really, really wanted to kiss her. It was all good until her soft palm slid down my body.

The next thing I knew, I was over her on the bed and she was pushing at my chest. “Theus, don’t you dare!”

The first time she used the name was in warning, dammit.

“Shit! Sorry!” I forced myself to roll to my back. “That was an out-of-control thing, not a trying-to-control thing, I swear.”

“Are you saying I need to tie you up?” she asked, clearly hopeful.

Oh fuck. We’d done that once. I still maintained it had resulted in a major earthquake credited to Poseidon. I groaned and covered my eyes with my arm. “Not helping!”

I felt her leave the bed. While the instant return of pain helped get me back under control, I had to wonder if I’d blown it after all. I couldn’t look, even when I heard the unmistakable sound of a suitcase zipper. Thankfully, it wasn’t long before I felt the bed dip with her weight.

When the movement stopped, I took a deep breath and let my arm fall to the sheets to clutch them in desperation. The only thing Hope was wearing was a look on her face that said she planned to eat me alive.

The next few minutes were delicious agony. Gentle touches that started at my brow, each caress followed by a soft kiss and a quick flick of her hot tongue. I let her draw it out for as long as I could, knuckles white on the sheets, body trembling out of control by the time she dipped below my rib cage. She was methodical in her torture, following a path that took her down the outside of one leg and up the inside of the other.

I’d dare any man to keep his cool when his lover spreads his legs and nips the tender insides of his thigh, let alone when that was followed by a hot flick of tongue. I was a mere man, and glad for it at that moment. Who knew what could have been unleashed with my normal energy.

She gave my other thigh the same nip and lick, but this time her tongue remained on my skin, flicking closer and closer to her true target.

“Ah, gods!” I couldn’t let her do it. One touch and I would come, and quite possibly disappear. If that happened before we made love, she would be emotionally destroyed.

Herculean effort my ass. Herc had nothing on what it took for me to release the bedsheets and grasp her hands. She looked startled, then wary. I knew what she was thinking, and that I had to talk fast.

“Please,” I rasped. “Can I be inside you the first time? After that—” I swallowed hard. “After that, it can be your mouth. Every damn day, if you want.”

That made her smile. “I’ll bet.” Her fingers tightened in mine. “But I understand what you’re saying about the first time, and I’d like that too. Theus, I…I love you. You said it before, but I didn’t. I want you to know that before our first time.”

Everything in me instantly calmed and filled with warmth. “I love you too.”

She took an audible breath. “You’re glowing again.”

“Damn straight.”

I pulled her up and into my arms and rolled us over. Not many couples got a second chance to recreate their first time together. She wasn’t a virgin this time, but I refused to dwell on that other than being grateful she wouldn’t feel any pain.

I couldn’t wait. Gods, she was so beautiful. I felt like I was drowning in those topaz eyes, letting my own love shine right back while I positioned my cock. She was hot and wet, so ready for me to make that first deep thrust.

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www.DaltonDiaz.com

 

Categories: 69 Shade Of Smut, anthology, erotic, erotic humor, Excerpt, paranormal romance, romance, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

My Valentine’s Day and 99 cent Sale!

I think my husband, aka Stud, is a very lucky man when it comes to Valentine’s Day. He can’t buy me chocolate – I’m allergic. He can’t buy me flowers – I’m allergic. (Plus, I’d get really mad at him for spending money on something that costs a lot and lasts a week at best.)

I do like going out to eat, but not during holiday times with big crowds and feeling rushed as the next wave of people breathe down your neck. So what’s left?

Cheap and easy. Yup, that’s me.

For our very first Valentine’s Day, back when we were first dating, I had to attend a funeral of a close family friend. Stud came over to my house later that night, bearing homemade lasagna. Over the years, we’ve come up with different variations of this, with one or the other taking the reins. It kind of depends who needs the other to step up more at the time.

This Sunday will be our 27th Valentine’s Day together. It’s one of the years that I’m stepping up because I have a need. I need to cook and have it matter. Since we became empty nesters, my cooking has done a bit of a slide. I still love to do it, but it’s just not necessary to put full meals on the table every night for two people.

Well, this weekend, my son is bringing two of his college roommates home with him for something that has nothing to do with Valentine’s Day, but I get to fill the house with good food. These poor guys have existed on really bad college food (most is bad, theirs is REALLY bad) for months. I get to change that this weekend. Strange as it sounds, Happy Valentine’s Day to me!

Gods Gone Wild on sale for 99 cents through Valentine’s Day!

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Gods Gone Wild

Buy link: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01AKWPJ2G

Great Zeus by Dalton Diaz
Oh My God by Ashlyn Chase
Two Gods are in big trouble with Zeus. Gods will be gods and when these two taunt a fire goddess for their own entertainment, she erupts, literally, creating a whole new Hawaiian island. But Zeus is not amused and must teach them a lesson they won’t forget. Who knew their punishment would lead to finding the loves of their lives?

Great Zeus by Dalton Diaz
Epimetheus knows he screwed up. Well, he knows it since Zeus pointed it out with a lightning bolt or two. He’s willing to take his punishment like a Titan, but all bets are off when his beloved dead wife Pandora shows up. Pandy has no memory of him. Epimetheus has no powers, and no forethought. What could possibly go wrong?

Oh My God by Ashlyn Chase
Rewritten and expanded version of 2009 Eppie nominee, same title

The Greek God of wine, women, and party, falls off a balcony during Mardi Gras in New Orleans. Now he has amnesia. All he knows is that they call him ‘Big D’, he drinks too much and ought to give up alcohol for Lent.

Mandy and Brenda flashed Dionysus right before he fell. They’re nice enough to take him to an AA meeting, and then back to their homes until he recovers his memory. Fortunately, they’re not too nice to be naughty.

Categories: .99 Sale, 69 Shade Of Smut, anthology, Books, Contest, erotic, erotic humor, Love, paranormal romance, romance, Sale, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Inspirotica? by Alice Gaines

As you may have noticed from my blog last month, I’m a gardener. Not a good one, I’ll confess, but I was raised in a family who grew things. My mother authored three books on gardening, and I learned about plants at a very young age.begonias

When I grew up, I developed an intense interest in orchids. I still have lots of plants because, frankly, orchids are tough critters and refuse to die no matter how much I ignore them in favor of writing books.

So when Changeling Press asked me to write a novella, I decided I’d think up a story about erotic plants in a secret part of the garden center. Sounded like some light fun—garden, flowers, sex. And for the most part it is light and fun. And sexy.

garden of delight

However, when I got into the meat of the story, it started to take a different turn. What if my heroine were so filled with fury at her ex- that she decided to do the one thing she absolutely shouldn’t do in order to get her revenge on him? She knows it’s wrong, and the man who’s been guiding her through her path of self-discovery reminds her that her mission is to build her business, not to win over her ex-. She does it, anyway, betraying both him and the magical garden, with disastrous results.

I was writing this story during the period right before Easter, when thoughts of betrayal, death, resurrection, and redemption were foremost in my mind. It occurred to me that I was writing the Garden of Eden story. Only, at the end of Garden of Delights, the heroine’s error is forgiven and righteousness is restored.

A while back, I met a well-known agent who also writes erotic romance under a pseudonym. She and I agreed there was no reason erotic romance couldn’t be inspirational and vice versa. “Inspirotica,” she called it. For the longest time, I couldn’t figure out how that would work. With Garden of Delights, I think I might now understand.

If you’d like to read an X-rated excerpt from Garden of Delights, go here

 http://alicesexcerpts.blogspot.com/2015/05/friday-excerpt-garden-of-delights-from.html

If you’d like to join my e-mail newsletter, go here In July, I’ll be raffling off this hand-knitted scarf.

http://alicegaines.blogspot.com/p/join-alices-e-mail-newsletter.html

pink cowl

Categories: 69 Shade Of Smut, Alice Gaines, erotic humor, Erotica, Excerpt, New Release, paranormal romance, Sexy | Leave a comment

To Porn or Not to Porn

Yep, that is the question. It’s a question I ask myself every once in awhile, usually after some kind of viewing of, well, porn.

This time, the question, ahem, arose when we got a weekend of free Cinemax, aka Skinemax. For me, the experience was a Not to Porn. Late night cable still seems to run toward, “the sluttier the better”, and that just doesn’t do it for me. If I never see another pair of over-inflated breasts struggling to jiggle, I’ll be a happy camper.

I need sensuality. I need a reason for them to be in bed together that amounts to more than realizing it’s been longer than three minutes since anyone screwed. It’s safe to say there’s something for everyone churning out of the porn industry these days, but I doubt I’ll be finding anything I like on late night cable. I will say that at least it’s better than the 70’s and 80’s when three guys and a girl always meant:

Guy 1 – Doggy Style

Guy 2 – Getting Blow Job

Guy 3 – Standing over other three, masturbating

Nothing wrong with any of those scenarios, but that’s the best they could do with three guys and a girl? Cripes, my teenage fantasies were better than that! Hmm, wonder if that has anything to do with what I write now? As for my adult fantasies…well, let’s just say I’m in the right – write? – business! Women statistically prefer their imagination over something visual, and I’m no exception. Heck, we talked about that last month!

So no, we won’t be ordering Skinemax anytime soon. I’ll still be turning off the tv and reaching for a good, sensual book with characters I can like. Care to join me?

Love Cuffs Cover   68749_1303502767045_4079227_n   9781419923302   9781419924194    66378_1303510327234_123946_n   bymutualdesire_msr_small.255121055_std

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WWW.DaltonDiaz.com

Categories: Books, erotic humor, Question, Uncategorized, writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The birth of Wonderslut by Alice Gaines

wonderslutReaders often ask authors where their ideas come from.  The true, and not very interesting, response is “from everywhere and anywhere.”  Sometimes it can be an item in a newspaper or the content of a dream.  Even a common phrase will get a writer thinking.  Often the germ of the idea gets buried in our brains for years, and the exact stimulus for the idea is lost from memory.

In contrast, I remember the exact place where I was sitting when I thought up Wonderslut.  I can’t tell you the date, but I was sitting at my desk at my day job one afternoon in 1996 when she came to life in my brain.

We’d had a company electronic bulletin board where employees could post personal messages and other silliness.  We “old-timers” on the board were a clever and creative lot, at least in our own minds.  Literate, insightful, entertaining, our posts were everything the humdrum world was not.  We were the intelligentsia, la crème de la crème.

And then, the others arrived.

Rank newbies took over our beloved board, filling it with inanities, misspellings, and bad grammar.  Horrors!  We rallied privately and formed an organization to retake our board.  We named it something with the initials J-L-A.  (I told you we were creative.)  We all adopted superhero identities.  As I had a reputation for writing things with S-E-X in them, I took the superhero concept of Wonder and added Slut.  Wonderslut.

Then, Wonderslut needed an everyday alter-ego.  I’d always been fascinated with orchids, so I made her an orchid hybridist, and I made up the silliest name I could imagine.  Felicity Plumswindle, mild-mannered orchid hybridist, also came to life.

Fast forward about nine years.  One of the authors at Changeling Press asked why we had a category for Comic Book Heroes with no books in it.  The publisher answered that she’d always wanted to do Comic Book Heroes, but no one had submitted any.  I remembered Wonderslut and added Avenger of the Non-Orgasmic so she had a heroic mission in life.  Then, I started writing.

I can honestly say Wonderslut is one of my favorites.  Writers often say that their characters think things up and surprise them.  Actually, what we mean is that we surprise ourselves.  I imagined a crimson Maserati with a jet engine and retractable wings.  I imagined a superpower that’ll never make it into a Hollywood movie.  I imagined a young, impressionable sidekick with an agenda of his own.  What fun.

The Adventures of Wonderslut came out on Friday, June 16, 2006 – ten years after I originally thought her up.  But alas, Wonderslut didn’t sell well, and the sequels I’d imagined never came to pass.  Wonderslut seemed destined to the end up on the scrap heap of other crazy ideas that rattle around in my brain.  Until…

Fast forward again to August of 2010.  Amazon had just announced the creation of Kindle blogs.  The idea was that people would blog, and subscribers would pay $.99 per month to get an otherwise free blog delivered directly to their Kindles.  A friend of a friend started a blog called “Everything Erotic” and recruited writers to write erotic serials.  What could be more perfect for a comic book character than a serial?

Mind you, I’d never written anything in serial form, but why should that little detail hold me back?  Put in some steamy sex, the sillier the better, add a cliff-hanger, and ta-da…serial!

I guess it did all right.  Our blog became popular and actually made me some money every month.  I have no idea if Wonderslut was responsible for our success or if some of the other serials were carrying the weight.  What I do know is that my coauthors crapped out, dropped the ball, and stopped posting.  The money dried up.  Who wants to pay $.99 a month for nothing?  For months I kept posting Wonderslut and another serial I was writing until I got sick of doing it for someone else who wasn’t paying me.

I figured if I was going to write for free, I might as well do it for myself.  So, I started my own blog where I post x-rated excerpts every Friday.  Wonderslut and her sidekick, The Hard-Driving Piston of Love, aka Jason, take the fourth Friday of the month.  If you’d like to check it out, visit

http://www.alicesexcerpts.blogspot.com on Fridays.

Only, please, don’t take anything seriously.  Don’t tell me about plot holes or inconsistencies.  I’m not interested.  As long as it’s funny and sexy, I don’t care.  To borrow from Mystery Science Theatre 3000, “remember it’s Wonderslut.  You should really just relax.”

I think on some level I’m embracing my inner Wonderslut, and I couldn’t be happier.  She’s an awesome lady.

If you’d like to join my mailing list, please e-mail me at authoralicegaines@gmail.com.  In May, I’ll be raffling off this hand-crocheted stole (made by moi).DSCN0321

Categories: Alice Gaines, erotic humor, Wonderslut | Tags: , | Leave a comment

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