It took me a while but I finally admitted it: I was once a transition girl. You know, the one he poured his heart out to while she listened, empathized, criticized, fantasized, all of that. The only problem was that I didn’t know it…or at least I didn’t want to admit it. He was the first guy I had feelings for, serious feelings and they reared themselves in one casual moment when he put his hand around my waist. It was a bolt and I liked it; I knew what would happen eventually and I let it go there. But in the throes of that curious passion, little cracks started to creep in. He would constantly talk about her, his ex-wife, and while she had moved on, he was pretty upset about it, venting it to me. If course,I was the listener and that’s what I did. He took up smoking again which made it tough to kiss him (and I wanted to kiss him) He also had an addictive personality so smoking was his way of indulging because I made it clear that I was not into drugs of any kind. He called me ‘brusque’ once when I told him that she had moved on and maybe he should have done the same. That should have been a clue but at the time, what did I know? And when we were in bed together for one of our marathon sessions, he confided that he seemed to have a little, itty bitty issue with my stomach. That was the part that got me. I had my issues with my body but for him to have them too, I didn’t like that. So you know what I did? I let it slide. Then he had to move to another state. When he got settle, I visited him there, met his mother, learned about her family, stayed at a hotel because, well, we needed our privacy. I did all the “girlfriend” stuff without the official title or even “the talk.” I was happy.
Then came the call when I got back home. The call where I told him “I miss you” and all I heard was silence. He found someone else, and it was serious. That was when I understood but my ego was not about to admit it and I lashed out as anyone would in that situation. I was his placeholder for something else, someone better which basically meant that I wasn’t good enough. He had exorcised his demons with me in bed, in the woods, at the movies. From me came out all clean and happy and happened upon the “her” that I thought should have been me. Thank God Florida is a tall state because the distance helped me and some really great friends took me on vacation fast.
No one likes to be seen as “the one you’re with until something better comes along.” Everyone wants to be wanted for who they are and not “who they aren’t.” Everyone needs to feel special and when you’ve felt it only to have it slapped away with the truth that you’re not, it hurts like hell. This is one of the reasons why the character of Carla Genny just hit a nerve with me. She spent years with a man, Zach Bramwell, who told her constantly in one way or another that she was not Jessy, the woman he really loved. Carla gave and absorbed all of that until her self-esteem was shredded. When you take the time and energy to give yourself to a relationship like that, it leaves indelible scars. For a while, I know, I was just scared to even be with anyone else, much less be my naturally bold, naked self who opened the door in nothing but her birthday suit to greet her boyfriend. I convinced myself that I was just going to play for a while and not let emotions in or out. And I did (the playmates I found…for another post). And just like Carla, I guarded my heart for a while and focused on my career.
But that’s where our similarities end.
Eventually, she met Grayson but in him she initially saw shades of what she felt with Zach and she stood up to them. Carla’s a lot braver than I was and she was willing to just walk away. She was a woman who knew how to survive and she sure as hell wasn’t going to take a step backwards no matter how good a kisser he was. So, in essence, Carla Genny was the person I wished I became at that time when I was a transition girl, trying to heal and get on with it.
I am a firm believer that people come into your life for a reason. For me, it was to show me what I didn’t want and how glad I am to have been let go of something that was so wrong to find my happiness in life elsewhere. With Carla and Grayson, I wanted to share the hope I feel; that eventually, you’ll find that person who loves you enough to heal you if you’re strong enough to let them.
Check out the trailer for Book 2 – Portrait of Gray: http://bit.ly/1nyq5jJ
For a steamy, chocolaty, excerpt of Portrait of Gray, check out: http://bit.ly/1k3nYps
To see how the Baxter Family Saga got started, learn more about Book 1, Unchained Hearts http://bit.ly/MX1CrJ