Dangerous Sex

Dangerous sex.

I don’t mean the kind without condoms. I mean the kind where you have to seek treatment and you have to explain to someone how exactly you managed to get your Labret caught on their Prince Albert, or why your bladder is buzzing.

Yes, I said your bladder. I used to work as a secretary for an emergency room and we had a patient come in complaining of abdominal pain. That’s a fairly common presentation and the ER doc and nurses went through a whole round of questioning with her about her activities, etc., if she had any idea what could be causing the pain. She claimed she didn’t. When her x-ray came back, they discovered a vibrator lodged all the way up into her bladder. Upon examination, it was still buzzing.

She’s not alone. My husband has torn that piece of skin under his tongue, broken his wrist…

I, myself, almost died because of a lingerie malfunction. Of course, I have this thing called a klutz gene and apparently that applies to all aspects of my life. Including sex. Or trying on lingerie.

I’d just purchased a new bra and panties set to model for my husband and I was trying it on, you know, making up a little striptease dance for when he got home from work and then I tripped over my own feet. Only, I was pulling my bra up on over my head because I couldn’t reach the clasps at the same time. The bra got hooked around my neck and one of the straps caught on the dresser. So I was hanging there, arms flailing like an T-Rex, but unable to get my footing or a grip on anything around me to pull myself up. I kept thinking, I can’t die this way. It’s too stupid… I was finally able to pull myself up, but the striptease didn’t happen when the husband got home. I had to explain to him why I had brahook-shaped bruises around my throat.

Then there was the guy I dated in the days before my husband who had a vibrator named Goliath and I’m pretty sure it ran on rocket fuel, but that is a post for another time.

But I maintain if you don’t have at least one injury from getting a little too crazy between the sheets, you’re not doing it right. So how about you? Any sex related injuries?

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , | 4 Comments

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4 thoughts on “Dangerous Sex

  1. Laurie P

    Sex on the beach, yeah, just say no. There are places you should never have sand go and try explaining that abraded skin.

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    • See? I never thought that sounded romantic, especially after going to the beach sans sex and having sand everywhere. But I look for the wildest thing that could possibly happen to me and then I prepare for it because of that klutz gene… 🙂

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  2. great post!

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  3. This might be my favorite smutty post ever. Goliath, lol. My first boyfriend and I bought a vibe I named “The Green Destroyer.” In retrospect it wasn’t so big, but it looked huge to me at the time.

    I second the “no sex on the beach.” The chafing…the chafing. Ugh.

    I can think of some really ridiculous sex, but nothing that ended up accidentally life threatening. I’ve ended up in situations (positions) a number of times that can only make me think of the scene in the movie Spaceballs, toward the end when Dark Helmet and Lone Star are having their “lightsaber” duel and their Schwartz gets twisted. Dark Helmet says, “Maybe if I put my leg up…on yours…we can…”

    lol

    Like

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