You Might Be A Christmas Pervert If…

Happy Sunday! Today is my day to play—I mean blog—here at the smuttalicious 69 Shades. Well, I guess playing and blogging are both right. After all, I’m here to blog…but I’m mostly going to play—with you. (gasps) I know you’re sitting there with a gobsmacked expression on your face. Me? Play? With anyone? Never! Okay, I’m full of sarcasm this morning. You better watch out. Or maybe, I should be the one watching out. Goodness knows I’m good at saying things that inevitably have me inserting my foot into my mouth. Let me tell you, gnawing on one’s shoe is gross. So hold on for a sec while I run and dump these fuzzy slippers in the closet.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Alright, I’m back—barefoot and happy. Are you curious yet what kind of game I want to play? Do you have any guesses? (The Jeopardy! song plays.) Is that your final answer? Oops, that’s Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Ah well, you get the idea. So, do you know? Woohoo! You got it. You Might Be a Pervert If…Darn, you figured that pretty fast. I guess I’m getting predictable. I’ll have to work on that. New Year’s Resolution? Hmmm….the possibilities. Oh wait! That’ll be another blog, another day.

Back to the present rather than the future…We’re going to play You Might Be a Pervert If…with a twist. Today’s version is special. It’s my Christmas edition. What started this version of the game was a trip to the store. Of course, I thought of a few snarky lines. Then I hooked up on the phone with my friend, Tina. Getting us together is always trouble in the making. But anyway, the list grew longer. After that, we spiralled. Yep, like that hasn’t happened before. The next thing I know, we’re spouting off random non-store related criteria while laughing hysterically.

Since I love to share, almost as much as I love to laugh, I thought I would play with you too, 69ers! What do you think?

Ooh, you want to play. You’re a very brave cookie. Let’s go before you change your mind. Grab those Santa hats and we’ll rock and roll. Maybe the best Christmas Perv win…

  • You might be a Christmas Pervert if…stocking stuffers make you think of teenage boys and socks. (I had to bring in the American Pie. After all, it’s a classic. Yeah right.)
  • You might be a Christmas Pervert if…you lock onto the twink in twinkle lights which, in turn, makes you think of the really good gay porn video you recently watched. (Not that you were likely to forget. Good porn is hard to find.)
  • You might be a Christmas Pervert if…these beaded garland reminds you of miniature anal beads. (These are doable. Right?)


  • You might be a Christmas Pervert if…you wonder which Christmas bow would look best around your neck—without anything else on? (Va-va-vom)
  • You might be a Christmas Pervert if…fantasize about how good the velvet ribbon would feel against your skin when you’re tied spreadeagle to the bed. (So soft…)
  • You might be a Christmas Pervert if…this ornament reminds you of last night’s sexcapades. (Butt plug, anyone?)


Now here’s where we spiralled:

  • You might be a Christmas Pervert if…you think the North Pole is the stripper pole on the north end of your local strip club. (Of course, the stripper’s name has to be Candy Cane.)
  • You might be a Christmas Pervert if…you snicker at the line “Eight maids a-milking” while singing The 12 Days of Christmas. (Hello? Roleplay and Bondage. Now that’s real love.)
  • You might be a Christmas Pervert if…Tiny Tim reminds you of an ex-boyfriend who never could keep you satisfied. (Sheesh, pencil erasers are bigger than him. And man, he didn’t even know how to use it. Let’s just say, he wasn’t a nice guy because he didn’t finish last, and he definitely didn’t make sure you finished first.)
  • You might be a Christmas Pervert if…figgy pudding makes you think of Sophie Oak. (I mean this one in the most affectionate way. Love that Sophie.)
  • You might be a Christmas Pervert if…you see a candelabra on your dining room table and think of wax play night at the BDSM club. (Oh the memories…)
  • You might be a Christmas Pervert if…you stand under the mistletoe and ask, “Do I get to pick where I get that kiss?” (A little bit lower…lower…keep going…yeah! There! Oh yesssss.)
  • You might be a Christmas Pervert if…hearing Ho Ho Ho makes you look around for who they’re talking about. (A little curiosity never hurt anyone, except maybe the cat. Here kitty, kitty.)

Before you say it, I know I’m not right in the head, but it sure makes my life fun. Now I must go…write and have fun with the people in my head. Wow, that sounded so naughty. Then again, you know what I’m writing, and you are aware of the kind of fun the characters like to have. Wink, wink. Okay, okay. I’m really going to go. Hope you had a good time playing with me. Have a sexy, smutty, and all-around spectacular Sunday. Only sixteen days…until the big day!

Much love and lots of kisses,


Categories: 69 Shade Of Smut, Life | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

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12 thoughts on “You Might Be A Christmas Pervert If…

  1. Susanne Potts McBee

    Thank you. That was funny.


  2. Laurie P

    I’m a semi Christmas pervert…..


  3. Cherie Clark

    Thanks Mia what a great way to start my Monday morning with a good laugh. Luff ya


  4. Armenia

    Those are pretty funny. Now I have to admit I’m a Christmas pervert because some of those thoughts came across my dirty mind. Yes to garland beads and the ornament that resembled a butt plug. ahem. *gi* One year I came across a song with all new dirty words to 12 days of Christmas. I don’t remember the words but certainly was rolling on the floor laughing over it.


  5. Luna

    omg that was funny! As for the Christmas tree ornaments, thank you, all I see now is the shiny butt plug hanging off the tree o.O LOL 😛


  6. What CC said! Made my morning.

    Naughty holidays, Mia! 😉


    • Mia Ashlinn

      Yay Dita! I’m glad to be of service. 😉 Happy naughty holidays to you, as well! 🙂


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