O Come, All Ye Smutful

Frisky Friday, 69ers! With the holidays closing in, and since it is Black Friday, I thought we’d go XXX-mas shopping. I called the Holiday Hotline and this sexy elf volunteered to help us out.

SexySanta2

Hotline, indeed… His first suggestions were more nice than naughty, but I guess you have to have something you can actually put under the family tree. So, to help us get organized, he took me to Knock Knock. In addition to the holiday helpers, I found gifts for friends, lovers and book lovers.

A bookish site worth a visit if you’re in the US, UK or Australia is the Penguin Classics gifts and gear store. Sweet Danger tote, anyone?

When I asked for some sexy and sensual suggestions for friends and/or lovers or oneself, this is what he offered…

Magnetic Poetry Kits. You’ve seen these, right? But did you know there’s one for book lovers, love, and lovers alike? An erotic and sexual innuendo kit, a queer kit and one for improving on your pick-up artistry? Oh yes. He also mentioned a Yahtzee-like dice game that “Goes really well with good friends and cheap liquor.” O-kay.

On that thirsty note, how about a dirty martini? Just don’t drink on an empty stomach. To fill it up, how about some of those aphrodisiacs we talked about last time? The 10th anniversary edition of The New InterCourses: An Aphrodisiac Cookbook tastes as good as it looks.

Everybody well-fed and relaxed? How about some fun and games brought to you by Ball & Chain, everything from foreplay and romance through fetish and role-play to cards and dice games, a tongue-in-cheek way to spice up your life.

Time to get cleaned up so we can get down and dirty. Elf suggested a long shower or bath with the Body Spa Vibrating Bath Sponge (comes in soft foam and mesh). Quite an innocent-looking gift, but looks can be deceiving. Follow up with a massage from the Erotic Massage Deck – 50 Sensual Techniques to Get You in the Mood, but beware: a couple of these may put you in the mood but several will just put you to sleep!

Need oil to go with that? Fantasize about erotic waxing but afraid you’ll get burned? Try a massage candle. There’s a scent out there for every taste and when the heat is on, just blow it out and pour it on. Or use a lickable massage oil. Hmm-mmm.

What would the holidays be without toys? Very dull, said I, and Elf agreed. And flew me west to neighboring Norway. Turns out not only are Norwegians naughty, they have a great eye for comfort and versatility. Why not get him a Laid P.2 or P.3 Silicone Cock Ring? Where to get Laid. (Sorry. Couldn’t resist!) And for you, her, or a friend you want to make really, really happy, the sweetest thing, the B3 Onye Fleur Vibrator. It’s pretty, powerful, feminine, discreet and it’s waterproof.

Ready to get dressed for that family function? Try keeping a straight face while wearing a pair of OhMiBod Vibrating Panties with your partner in control. Yes, it’s a dare. Any takers? Accessorize with these objects of discreet intimate purposes and hidden functions from Incognito.

And gentlemen, or ladies… If you insist on buying sweet nothings for your partner, or if she expects you to but it always ends up bad, Elf suggested the following. Take a tour of shops like Chantelle, La Perla, Chamela, Agent Provocateur, Fleur of England, Le Mystère, Spoylt, marlies dekkers, Victoria’s Secret, Trudy Affair, Frederick’s of Hollywood, Cosabella, Elle Macpherson Intimates, insert your favorite destination here, decide which collection you like, get a gift card, and let her make the final choice. Win-win!

All dressed up and nowhere to go? Hop in bed then, tie your partner down and have your wicked way with them. No bed frame? No problem! With the Under The Bed Restraint System you don’t need one. Best of all, it’s comfortable, adjustable, easy, fast, and family-friendly. The kids may go through your drawers and closets, but I doubt they’ll look under the mattress. Couple it with a blindfold, and you’re all set. Sleep masks make excellent blinfolds, btw, since they’re designed to be light-weight, soft, flexible and breathable, and they usually come with a nose bridge so there’s no peeking!

Play hard, Elf said, but play safe. And riddled me this: What or who mixes plaid, charity and sex? Hint: It’s a quality gift that keeps on giving.

SexySanta3

“Good luck with that shopping!”

Why thank you, you sexy thing, and thanks for the holiday help! (And just so you know, 69ers, I’m not affiliated with any of these stores, only trying to lend a helping hand.)

Any must-haves you’d like to share, any hints or wishes you’d like to put out there? Let us know in comments. And have yourselves a sexcellent holiday season. Muah!

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “O Come, All Ye Smutful

  1. I pulled out a piece of paper and took notes. LOL I did some smutty shopping already, but there were a few things I didn’t have one my list. Thanks for a great post.

    Like

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